whoops!

I said I was going to bed 2 hours ago. Turns out I lied and I'm still on my couch. Ahh the joys of insomnia, combined with the rush of starting something new!

Sleep well, those of you experiencing sleeping hours. And to the rest of you, have a marvelous time <3

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I'm trying to decide what I want to use this space for, and I'm kind of tempted to use it for the posts that I tag as "thinky thoughts" over on tumblr.

tumblr's great for a lot of things - obviously, I've been blogging there for almost a decade. But it can also get overwhelming sometimes.

My personal account there is semi-dormant since I tend to think of that as a place where I can hyperfixate on my fandom of choice and interact with other people in that fandom - but I don't currently have a fandom that I'm obsessed with the way I was with my last one.

I do miss that feeling, though. A lot.

So I think I might use this space to dump all of these thoughts that I have about social media and fandom and the various discourses that keep me up at night. This is a better forum to have those kinds of conversations. Even when I reblog other people's opinions on tumblr, it feels too much like I'm an audience member watching a conversation rather than an actual participant in it. Especially when so many of the speakers are actually just whispering in their tags.

Why is joy embarrassing?

Over on tumblr, I said that cringe is just being embarrassed for someone else who doesn't feel embarrassed about their own joy. But then I asked the question, "Why is joy embarrassing?"

I wasn't actually trying to be that deep. I mean, it was a legitimate question, but I wasn't planning on answering it. But now that I'm thinking about it, I actually want to know.

Why is joy embarrassing?

I think part of it is that external viewpoint. You're watching someone experience such a strong emotion, and they're doing it nakedly - without hiding it at all. We're all used to keeping a veil over that kind of thing on a day to day basis. You can only show your honest emotions on special occasions or in private.

But "cringe" behaviour is public. It's there for anyone to see. Family, friends, strangers - you're allowing all of them to watch you filled with and expressing your emotion.

When someone is crying and we feel an emotional response to their pain, we call it empathy. When someone is angry and we feel an emotional response to that anger, we call that fear. But when someone is experiencing joy, we call our emotional response cringe and recoil away from it.

I don't want to run away from joy. I want to embrace it. I want them to share it with me and pull me under the umbrella of it. Let me warm myself with your joy against the cold, dark cruelty of the world.

I don't want to snuff that flame. I want to fan it. Turn it into an inferno. The world is crap enough. Let's let the happiness in when we can.