Why is joy embarrassing?

[memorizingthedigitsofpi]

Over on tumblr, I said that cringe is just being embarrassed for someone else who doesn't feel embarrassed about their own joy. But then I asked the question, "Why is joy embarrassing?"

I wasn't actually trying to be that deep. I mean, it was a legitimate question, but I wasn't planning on answering it. But now that I'm thinking about it, I actually want to know.

Why is joy embarrassing?

I think part of it is that external viewpoint. You're watching someone experience such a strong emotion, and they're doing it nakedly - without hiding it at all. We're all used to keeping a veil over that kind of thing on a day to day basis. You can only show your honest emotions on special occasions or in private.

But "cringe" behaviour is public. It's there for anyone to see. Family, friends, strangers - you're allowing all of them to watch you filled with and expressing your emotion.

When someone is crying and we feel an emotional response to their pain, we call it empathy. When someone is angry and we feel an emotional response to that anger, we call that fear. But when someone is experiencing joy, we call our emotional response cringe and recoil away from it.

I don't want to run away from joy. I want to embrace it. I want them to share it with me and pull me under the umbrella of it. Let me warm myself with your joy against the cold, dark cruelty of the world.

I don't want to snuff that flame. I want to fan it. Turn it into an inferno. The world is crap enough. Let's let the happiness in when we can.

Comments

[touchingaheart]

This cringe feeling is even more enhanced in Asian cultures, or at least in my country. You'd hear someone laugh out loud on the train, or a couple of people chattering happily together at their table in a restaurant, or you see someone kissing their partner's cheek on the sidewalk, or two people exclaiming happily when they run into each other--and for some reason, the instinctive reaction would be 'ugh' and a roll of the eyes, or some form of disapproval.

Like it's shameful to see people's joy and happiness and those people experiencing it should be ashamed for exposing it to strangers.

Out in the world, for some reason there's some kind of weird unspoken agreement that you can't show too much of your feelings in public--the degree may vary according to the country but its the same in spirit. I can't for the life or me guess why, but I recognise that feeling when I see a group of teenagers giggling together in the back of the bus. A response of 'how dare they show that in public' because,naturally, eeveryone should be calm and quiet in public as to not bother other people.

Which is what it boils down to, I guess? That it's somehow a form of respect to conceal everything, not just joy but pain and anger and sadness too,so other people won't be bothered by it. As if having those emotions are a bother. And it doesn't escape me that this disapproval is usually directed at teenagers and youth, those who are too old to cling to their mother's skirts and therefore can be dismissed as childish, but not old enough to have absorbed those well-worn opinions of the composed elders.

I don't really know what I want to say haha. My whole life I've been hushed and told to be quiet or to lower my voice whenever I get (apparently) too excited or laughing too loud, and I feel that disapproval keenly. I've always asked myself at those times why it's bad that I'm laughing, and then realise that I'm beginning to feel that disapproval inside me when I see OTHER people, usually young, publically displaying any form of emotion.

I could say it's because you shouldn't show your happiness in case other people don't have it as good, so it's rude to show 'you're better'. It sounds stupid but it feels pretty correct. It allows the so-called 'better people' to feel good about themselves at the same time. Mostly, the better people are the wealthy, I'd say.

I think that attitude carries over into other parts of life. Happily gushing about your boyfriend or a gift you got or what you liked about a show--it's always met with disapproval and a sort of high-nosed frowny faced head-shaking reaction.

I'm rambling coz it's late ^^;; but I do think it's sad that I can't quite shake off that innate reaction of 'ugh do they have to be so public' when really, I think it's great when someone's happy. We're definitely living in a world right now where there's not much joy to spare.

[memorizingthedigitsofpi]

you might be rambling, but it's an exceptionally good ramble. that social pressure to avoid public emotion is so true and so powerful, too, and definitely shifts depending on cultural context. there's also privilege involved too because when I lived in Asia, I think I was forgiven a lot of the things that I did that would be frowned upon because I was A Foreigner(tm) and therefore expected to not know the social rules.

[touchingaheart]

(another aspect of this cringe I've noticed is the difference between Tumblr and DW. Like I have zero courage or will to ever send you an ask, or reblog a post with my two cents etc there because I'd cringe seeing it, but here I'm randomly commenting on your entries with rambling. What is it about the DW layout that changes that)

I wish I could say that being viewed as the ForeignerTM was an easy out, if most people here aren't doing it because they're just basically racist. Racism here is painted different from the West and Europe, I think, or at least from what I can comprehend through the disparity of being in US-centric fandoms vs living in an explicitly non-US country.

Being (a little) more awake now, I'm glad I was mostly coherent haha. But yes, that aversion to public emotion manifests in a lot of tiring ways but parades itself as composure and 'quiet strength'. It's an attitude still celebrated in our fiction; you'd see how the 'cool' characters in animanga are near-exclusively seen as desirable even in New series today. It's a staple and most people see it as a trope so I don't think they realise how damaging it really is.

Like, the cold, stern-faced guy in Western media would be seen as a creep or an a-hole, no?

I was thinking about this post earlier, about how sometimes you just can't hold back the emotion and so you laugh over it in order to make it less 'cringey'. Like you'd be shedding tears so you quickly laugh as you wipe them away and assure everyone that you're fine, lol, don't even know why I'm crying, so on. Or you laugh too loud, and then quickly hush yourself with a palpable giggle going oops.

Idk, people do a lot of things for a lot of reasons, but I think it's extra sad when the reason behind your cringing is because being known, to reveal the secrets behind why you're showing that emotion despite the ingrained disapproval out mothers taught us, is still somehow shameful and you should cringe deeper.

(yeah ok again need sleep mhhh)

[memorizingthedigitsofpi]

I think it's partly the layout but also just the fact that you know whatever you say is going to stay here and not get broadcast out to a thousand people. it makes it a lot easier to have a conversation when it feels like there's no one watching you have that conversation. the thing about tumblr is that it's hard to keep anything private - and I admit that the way I run my blog makes that even harder.

I definitely felt the racism when I live in Korea, but I also still had massive amounts of privilege. It was a weird dichotomy, definitely. Like, my boyfriend's parents loved it when we were hanging out as friends because he was getting "free english lessons" but when we started dating his dad literally said he no longer had a son and refused to acknowledge his presence and his mother was similar in her opinions. At the same time, I made more money than my local counterparts and people would offer me free stuff or try to be my friend just because of my face.

that trope thing is really interesting. I want to think about that more. You've got a really great point and I definitely have the beginnings of thoughts but I need them to gel a bit more. I don't need sleep, but maybe a nap? XD

and yeah, the amount of internalized bullshit I've had to get over in order to live my life? ridiculous.